Silence turned upside-down

Tonight was a good and bittersweet night for me. Creating my inner world of anxiety all that much more intense today as usual, pluggin along through it, and somehow I always get through the day. I was not sure what to do after work. Thank God for those kids at times, because they keep my brain active most of the day so I don't go overboard!
So I was thinking of going to see a Hangul movie (that's Korean) but it didn't end up happening. For some reason as soon as I come home I just dont want to get the energy to go back out till I absolutely have to. Tv and Internet and food and clothes, and a constant mess of some sort seems to keep me here. All the reading I want to do but can't seem to pick up a book for long. Feel guilty for that too. Man, I'm really hard on myself huh? How on earth do I turn that around? Pray a LOT I guess. But even then I have the choices. Ugh..I hate that.
So I ended up cooking a meal of spaghetti and sauce with braized green and red peppers and 'meatballs' of broccoli an cheese balls. YUM that was good. Halfway through cooking it I remembered Windy (my ex roomie) noticing that whenever I cooked up a storm it was because I was stressed, or most likely upset at something. Yep, it occurred to me that perhaps that's exactly what was happening. I am stressed...about a few major things in my life. And the problem with a few of them is that its not in my control to do anything about it. All I can do is wait and wonder...and drive myself nuts. But I dont' have to drive myself nuts! I can choose what to do with the situation. Do I hold on? Do I let it go? How much do I wait? What is it worth to me? Is it something that will repeat itself in the future? Do I really want that? IT's hard to tell because of the situation if that's really the case. And I feel horrible for thinking that even. But...that's how it is. All I can do is what I can on my end.
So while some of these thoughts are going through my head...I am eating, and watching TV (some horrible TV about 'Camelot' and a lot of gross dead things, beautiful shiny costumes, and a movie with Denzel and Angelina about crime scenes which in a sense was good, but a lot of nto so pretty scenes in there that I'm afraid I'll be dreaming bad stuff). And then somethign occurred to me while I was watching a shot in the 'Lancelot' movie....a Painting!
Yes folks, I did indeed settle down and DID a painting that I feel really quite good about here in Korea. And it involves some Korean even! Yep, I'm happy about it. Especially since I used some 'Korean brushes' and 'Korean paper' and was very influenced by 'Korean colors'. AND I used 'Korean paint' which was acrylic (I hardly ever use acrylic) and used it like watercolor! So I'm impressed with that. I'll download a pic as soon as I get it. I've got sooo many pics to download it's not even funny.
Oh man...I'm just watching a bit of TV..or being distracted by it whilst I'm sitting here typing away...adn there's a show about a young woman who has a daughter, and she has a 'new' boyfriend, and the little girl comes up to the boyfriend while he is sitting at their table eating dinner, and she totally gives him the guilt trip! Its fun to watch Asian expressions and attitudes in talking because at times they can seem really quite whiny or put off. But the funny thing is that it seems light and heavy at the same time. IT's like there's some big guilt trip....but then Asians have this way of laughing it off that's equally as entertaining. I'm so glad I've had the experience of seeing this first hand. There was sooooo much I never knew or understood about Asian people until I came here. And now I'm starting to really be able to tell the difference of different Asian countries too...and that's really cool! Specially for a whitie! Ha ha. I really am going to miss things about this country...
I havent been goign to taekwondo very much for the last few weeks. Bad me...but I guess i need a break. Its getting quite warm and its always humid...so it does make a difference. But I'm determined. So we'll see.
So I gotta sleep here...but I gotta say...I'm so glad I stayed in today. I really needed this time of reflection and inflection. A time to let go and cling to things, a time to get some clarity...but I need a LOT more. A time to spew out some colors and shapes onto a canvas...to portray how I feel outside of myself. I really needed that. Now I just feel alone, and the solitude of the silence. I'd like to console myself with the following....
"It just matters to know that someone loves me to the core somewhere on the planet". And I'd like to add to that...somewhere in the universe." Cuz that's about what I feel I've got left...somewhere deep in the universe there's something constant that won't let me down that I can talk to anytime and I know He's listening. Somehow...
I need to go look at the moon and the stars now...if I can see them. Apparently the rainy few weeks start tomorrow...